May 11, 2012 |
Photo Credit: ShutterStock.com
If, as George Lakoff says, we view politics through the
metaphor of family, then Mother's Day is a good time to ask the
question: Where's Mom in this picture? What are all those dirty socks
and pizza boxes doing in the living room? (Seriously: it looks like a
frat house in here.) Who's been drinking the beer I hid in the basement
fridge?
And, sweet mother of God: how did we end up letting the 16-year-old boys take over the entire household?
Make no mistake: all this Ayn Rand libertarian me-first-and-the-rest-of-you-
go-to-hell stuff -- the there's-no-government-like-no-
government
theology that's now being piously intoned as Holy Received Truth by
everybody, male and female, in the GOP -- is, very precisely, the kind
of politics you'd come up with if you were a 16-year-old boy trying to
explain away his dependence on Mom.
Parents? I don't have any parents. I raised myself, on roots and
berries and small vermin I dug up in vacant lots. That lady hanging
around, feeding me and nagging me and picking up my socks and driving me
to practice? She's just the nanny state. That bitch. I hate her.
Society? There's no such thing as society. There's only what I want
right now, which is the ultimate good in my universe. And what I want
right now is more time on the XBox, pizza money, and the keys to the
family car.
The future? If I pursue everything I want now, then the future will
magically take care of its self. Dinner will appear. So will clean socks
and the next-gen XBox.
Obligations? I am God's gift to the world. I don't owe it anything.
In fact: it owes me -- just for being so magnificent, cute and special.
(Even my mom thinks so.)
On behalf of America's mothers, let me say: I have had enough of
this. I don't care how cute they are: it's high time these so-called
"libertarian" freeloaders get off the couch, stand up, and show some
respect to the rest of us who've done the hard work that makes their
cushy lives possible.
You know what I want for Mother's Day? I want these so-called "self-made men" to grow up and get a life.
No More "Nanny State" -- Ever
Also: I'm putting them on notice: I don't ever want to hear one more word about the "nanny state." Not one. Not ever again.
First of all : It's ugly. It just reeks of that 16-year-old boy being
told to clean up his mess. The big sigh. The dramatic eye-roll. The
drawn-out, agonized, "yyezzzz, mommmm..." that lets you know you're
about to spend the rest of the evening in a passive-aggressive battle
during which your teenager will generate enough inertia to bring the
rotation of this and several neighboring galaxies to a dead stop.
The "nanny state" is making you do the dishes, and then it wants you
to clean out the garage. You poor persecuted darling. Go dial
1-976-WAAAAAH.
Second of all: It's sexist as hell. Anti-feminist at its very core.
It says that the concerns that we most identify with mothers -- cleaning
up your crap, minding your manners, not annoying other people, taking
responsibility for your actions -- are intrusive and unwarranted
infringements on your essential freedom, instead of the basic adult
responsibilities that are required of everybody if society is going to
remain free and functional.
It says that the power and authority by which mothers -- "nannies,"
in this construction -- set the rules within the family is illegitimate.
It belittles women who are bossy enough to insist on adult behavior
from men.
It suggests that the things women are stereotypically most bossy
about -- politically, this would be issues like child welfare and
education (looking after your little brother), the environment
(housework), and peace and social justice (playing fair and being nice)
are beneath the attention and dignity of men. You can almost hear John
Wayne: "Don't you worry about what your Mom says, boys. Dad's here, and
he'll set her straight. (Big fat wink. Deep chuckle.) You go right on
ahead with what you were doing."
(Of course, when the Duke said stuff like this, the result was
usually a shrieking, hair-pulling fight with Maureen O'Hara, which
always ended with her turned triumphantly over his knee. And then, after
a good, sound spanking that put the little lady firmly back in her
place, he'd wrestle her tiny hands away so she couldn't slap him, and
kiss her until she stopped struggling. And she'd love every minute of
it, because in this deranged view of gender relationships, that kind of
manhandling is just what all pissy women are really secretly asking
for.)
It implies that Real Americans are honor-bound to resist any and all
exercise of female bossiness in the sacred name of preserving their
almighty "freedom."
And then, as the final insult, it identifies all government action
with that exaggerated feminine weakness. Corporations: the domains of
independent, active men who are busy creating a better world for
themselves -- and therefore, automatically, for everybody else as well.
Government: the domain of dependent, passive women who are fussing about
everybody's business, insisting that they clean up their stuff, eat
right, play nice, and get to bed at a decent hour.
Government, like Mom, is a real buzz-killer. And also powerless. You
can safely ignore her. After all: all she can do is yell at you, ground
you, and dock your allowance. And Dad (or, in the case of government,
his lawyers and lobbyists) is the truly sane and powerful one around
here, and can be counted on to set her straight when he gets home.
How to Tell the Men From the Boys
Conservatives completely fetishize masculinity. They idolize sports
heroes, warriors and the Manly Jesus of modern evangelicalism. They
eagerly seek the trappings that will buttress their sense of maleness in
their own minds -- guns, big trucks, enough money and power to push
other people around. The further right you go, the more exaggerated this
focus on hypermasculinity becomes.
Psychiatrist Stephen Ducat explained this phenomenon at long length in his book,
The Wimp Factor.
Ducat's research shows that right-wing men are so obsessed with the
external trappings of maleness precisely because they've failed to
develop the inner qualities and accept the obligations that are required
of actual adult men. It's all show, with nothing solid on the inside to
back it up. And the more fragile their masculinity feels to them, the
more exaggerated the outer display they put on is.
Given the insecurity that lies at the heart of this sad compensation,
it's especially ironic that they've got the whole country buffaloed
into thinking this is appropriate adult behavior. We've ended up with a
culture of maleness that emphasizes the objectification and degredation
of women, a lack of male accountability for anything that happens in the
culture, and a definition of masculinity that's all about empty shows
of dubious might -- like peacocks preening on parade.
For the record: This is a comic-book stereotype of manhood as it's
imagined by little boys. But it's not the real deal -- not even close.
The essential difference that separates the men and the boys is that
men understand and accept that they have an obligation to the greater
good, and are willing to unflinchingly step up to that responsibility.
They commit to their families. They work to improve their homes and
communities, so they're safe and nurturing places for everyone to be.
They take the long view as they plan for their kids' future. They look
out for people around them who are weaker than they are. And they
respect and cherish the co-parents of their children as their equal
partners in that effort.
Adult men do not resent being asked to contribute to the collective
whole. They know that their actions have consequences, and that they are
responsible for the impact of those consequences on the greater good of
the community.
As a veteran mom, I understand that it's totally developmentally
appropriate for a teenage boy to desperately struggle to separate from
his female parent as he begins to find his way toward his adult male
identity. But at some point, that oppositional process is supposed to
come to an end -- usually in the early- to mid-20s, with a
reconciliation and renewed acceptance of Mom as a useful guide in his
life. And, if he's straight, there will be a mature acceptance of his
obligations to a female partner and their children as well.
A 50-year-old CEO who's still whining because Big Bad Government is
asking him to clean up his shit, look after his little brother, and not
act like a psychopath in public is flat-out suffering from arrested
emotional and social development. He's not a grown man, despite his
thousands of employees and millions in salary. He's still that teenager,
hating on Mom because she dared to remind him that he's still deeply
dependent on the resources of provided by his larger family. And as a
mother, I'd invite other moms to join me in calling out this immaturity
for what it is, wherever we see it.
What I really want for Mother's Day is for America's Lost Boys -- the
libertarian Peter Pans, the free-market feral children, the neo-liberal
ramblin' men -- to stop pretending that they're something special and
uniquely free because they've managed to disassociate themselves from
women's care and women's concerns.
I want respect for the role mothers play -- both in our personal
families, and in our national one. I want some recognition of the fact
that the issues that are typically dismissed by the masculine fetishists
as "women's issues" or "nanny-state meddling" are, in fact, the issues
that the future of our country most depends on. And I want the common
wealth and the common good -- the health and wealth of our national
family -- to get the same kind of loving respect that all mothers are
entitled to.
Flowers and chocolate and a nice brunch are appreciated, too. But
they're a meaningless insult -- a sop to authority we don't have, and
aren't seen as entitled to -- long as we let the 16-year-olds run the
household the other 364 days out of the year.
Sara Robinson, MS, APF is a social futurist and the editor of AlterNet's Vision page. Follow her on
Twitter, or subscribe to AlterNet's
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